My Dear, Dear Pati,
I have been going around and around in my head trying to figure out what exactly to say...how to say what I want to say. I thought about focusing on all of the wonderful things I love about you...Your fierce commitment to the people you love, your dedication to my family, your wit; your dry and earnest sense of humor...The way you choose your words carefully, your beauty. Though all of those things are true, I think I will go in a different direction with this post.

My dear Pati, I am sorry.
I am sorry that your life, this month in particular, is full of the most unexpected and insurmountable grief possible. I am sorry that this month is an even rawer reminder of the loss and longing you feel (I am sure) everyday of your life. I am sorry that it's your birthday, I am sorry that it's May.

I can relate, I cry every year harder on my birthday than any other day of the year..harder than the anniversary, harder than my father's birthday. I don't know why? I think it's because I am pissed, pissed that my May is in November, and that everything is jam packed into one fucked up and depressing month.Maybe it is because this is the one month out of the year that I am reminded how fragile life is. Maybe somewhere I feel guilty about celebrating my birth so close to mourning the loss of profound love.

I don't have answers...I am not going to tell you not to be sad, or not to avoid your birthday...I haven't learned how to do that yet. I will tell you that you are not alone. That I love you, everyone that wrote on this blog loves you.

Take the lead my dear, do what you want for your birthday. But remember that you are not alone. That you are loved and that you get to be pleased that you are alive. You get to be pleased simply based on the fact that you exist, what a wonderful thing. Please know that I will celebrate your birth tomorrow, even if it's in my head.

This is not a birthday blog...But let it be a reminder that you are loved and that the best part of being alive is that we get to continue to make memories, lets continue to make great memories.

besos,
Rachel